There was a situation that happened to me some years ago that I have not been able to let go of. Every time I think about it and the events that led up to it, I find myself very angry, emotional, and even sick to my stomach.
When Jesus gave His life on the cross, His blood covered all of the sins that we would ever do in our lifetime. If He can forgive us daily, why is it so hard for us to forgive stuff that happened lifetimes ago?
It is a struggle. A constant struggle. I want to let this part of my past go. I just don’t know how.
Here’s a poem that I wrote entitled Forgiving the Past:
I’ve been carrying this with me for years
And I’m tired of holding on to it thinking it would simply disappear
It all happened in my senior year
I was seventeen
I had low self esteem
It was so bad that I gave my virginity away
To a fool thinking it would get him to stay
What was I thinking?
That fool had the nerve to say I was too dark for him
He even did the brown paper bag test
Had me pouring bleach on my skin
If only I had wised up instead of sitting on top of him
But it didn’t stop there
I was busy looking for love, some comforting affection
I had my father but the pulpit was his mission
My need for him to give me his attention fell by the wayside
Meanwhile his high school classmate made it his mission to have me by his side
He was forty-three
Mind you, I was only seventeen
As I lay in his bed, his arm wrapped around me
He had the audacity to make me feel his vein and said, “I’m missing a kidney.”
I wanted to cry, wanted to run
I’m only seventeen, I should be having fun
Not laid up with a man on dialysis
How was I going to live through this?
He knew he was wrong for what he did
‘Cause he took a shower with me to ensure I washed away the evidence
It was supposed to be our secret
But when he found out that my parents knew
All he could say was, “my wife wants to talk to you.”
Your wife? Your wife?
There I was seventeen committing adultery
Where was she when you had me on my knees?
Maybe she could’ve saved me from a life so humiliating
You weren’t afraid to have me in your bed
But you almost peed your pants when you found out your ass might be going to the can
I can’t stand you for what you did
I was only seventeen
I was still just a kid
If I saw you right now I’d probably spit in your face
Sitting here writing this poem with tears rolling down my face
If hate wasn’t a sin I’d hate you straight to hell
And you best believe I’m hoping your other kidney has failed
I’ve been carrying this angst for over a decade
I pray to God I let it go before the next decade
God please take this pain and shame away
© Jewells 2008
Maybe forgiving myself for not loving myself enough is a start to forgiving you.
Blessings & Prosperity!
This is Jewells signing out…