Yep, that is right. I. Am. Scared. Of. Commitment.
Whew. *holds hand close to chest*
That was hard for me to admit.
I’m not quite sure when it all started. Looking back, though, I guess it is safe to say it began with my first job.
I worked at 5-7-9 back in my senior year of high school and volunteered at the Veteran’s Hospital. I enjoyed both of them, however, I found myself quickly bored. I quit both shortly thereafter.
I applied to college. Didn’t go though because that was four years of my life that I would have to give up and dedicate to more school. Sometimes I do wonder what my life would have been like had I gone to NC A&T.
After graduating high school, I had no clue what I wanted to do with myself. By this time I had found another retail job at Motherhood Maternity. I ended up transferring from Palm Beach to a mall in Orlando. There I ended up walking off the job because my supervisor tried to show out in front of another employee when she reprimanded me for coming back not even five minutes late from break. Though I like to say that I quit out of her disrespecting me, it was really my way of breaking my commitment to the job.
While in Orlando, I attended community college for a semester. That alone was too much for me, so I joined the Air Force.
I know what you’re thinking. Scared of commitment and joining the military? Yeah, I know. I thought the same thing. But I did it. And of course, I did not make it through my four year enlistment. I did 22 months and called it quits. Who was I kidding?
Once out of the AF, I job hopped for months until I settled down in corrections for two plus years. I loved the job, but when I realized that I had to commit 5 years to become vested, I bowed out.
Yes, there were other things that led me to leaving my jobs, but when it all boiled down, it was my fear of committing to something until retirement.
Jobs, cars, relationships, housing, decorations, clothes…you name it.
I don’t like filling out applications because in my 12 years of working, I have only had two jobs that lasted over two years. The rest have only been six months or less (other than the Air Force).
I purchased my first car in 1998. Since then I have purchased a total of 5 cars. Nothing has ever been wrong with any vehicle (except the Kia Sportage that was made of foil and started separating after a couple of months). Once I get used to a car, I get bored with it and set my sights on something else.
In relationships, once I get used to the person, I find myself bored. Unfortunately, that boredom leads me to emotional infidelity.
No matter how much I love my residence, I tend to move every time my lease is up. Every time I turn around, I am moving to a different city. That’s one reason why I am scared to purchase a home. I know I need to but I am scared that I will regret my decision a few months later.
I buy clothes that I love. Two days later, I am returning them to the store. No reason at all, but I come up with one.
I love decorating. Only problem when it comes to decorating my own place is that I get bored with it after a couple of weeks. Take every thing down, return it to the store, and buy new stuff to take back in another few weeks.
When it all boils down, I realize that my “boredom” excuse is just that: an excuse. I am afraid to commit to things, people, cars, homes…
Maybe it’s anxiety. I don’t know. When I think about having something forever, living in the city I will be laid to rest in, being with this one person for the rest of my life, something in me triggers and subconsciously I find myself finding ways to get rid of it.
Am I crazy or what? Does anybody else experience this? Do you think I need to seek counseling?
I’m serious. This really does bother me and I want to be okay with my decisions. I want to get married and have kids. I want to buy things and not plan my attack of return the next day.
What’s a girl to do???
Blessings & Prosperity!
This is Jewells signing out…