Julia T. Williams | Going Against the Grain
Julia T. Williams is a storyteller on a mission to help better lives through storytelling. She writes about all the things that go wrong and how people fight to make them right. Telling stories that matter while helping others cultivate theirs.
soul, storytelling, stories that matter, storyteller on a mission, stories to better lives,
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Going Against the Grain

A few years ago, after watching The Real World Boston and seeing this list of dating requirements by Kameelah, I decided to make my own list of ‘desires’ and ‘ummmm nos’ when it came to dating.

On that list of ‘ummmm nos’ I had that I did not want to date a man who had any kids nor did I want a man who had been married before. Reason being…I wanted us to experience those for the first time together (if we married).

But as life went on, I found myself dating both.

After doing so, I once again referred to my list and said that I would NOT do that again.


Here recently, I found myself getting mentally involved with someone who has a child, someone who has been married before, and someone who has both checks in the “ummmmm no” column.

I have an interest in all three for various reasons.

The one with the child and I get along great. We laugh together. Have similar interests. We know how to make each other smile. And he has heart. So what’s the problem? I don’t know. You tell me. He just stopped calling all of a sudden. Won’t answer my calls. Nothing…nada. I am sitting here racking my brain trying to understand, yet I have no answers.

Guy number two. We used to work together. At that time he was married so both of us kept our interest under wraps. Nothing ever happened beyond words. Fast forward five years later. He’s divorced. We reconnect. This time we moved beyond the attraction and make the connection. Things are cool. The problem: He has baggage from his unsuccessful marriage and a pending baby mama that compromises me moving forward with my feelings. But I like him, so….

Now the guy who is divorced and has two children is another story. We have great communication. Both of us are witty and can go back and forth for hours. My issue is that he has a problem with my celibacy.

My main issue with all three is that when I look beyond my ‘ummmmm nos’ because I want to be fair and give these guys a shot, I feel like I am being let down in some way. I feel like, “Okay, yeah I don’t date men in your category but I want to see where this attraction leads to.” And just when I do that, I open myself up for disappointment.

I have experienced the same disappointment with men that don’t have kids and that have never been married. It’s just on a different level. Maybe there is something in me that feels more hopeful when a man appears on my ‘desires’ list more than my ‘ummmm nos’.

All of this has me wondering where to draw the line. Yes, I am open to hurt no matter what direction I turn. It just hurts a little more when I go against the grain. Not to say that I am lowering my standards. I am just stepping out of the box. Guy number one told me to step out of my box and when I did it for him, he let me down.

So what’s a lady to do???

This is Jewells signing out…

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