Poetexts: Innervision

Innervision

I am not who I am on the outside

I am not who people see

I am not who I see

The mirror lies to me

It lies to those who surround me

The mirror hides my misery

My sadness

My discontentment and self-pity

Why can I not be free from all that has happened to me

Why can I not let go of the need to understand and connect the dots that make I me

Inside my soul and spirit are at war

My soul wants more

But my spirit knows it already has more

The two cannot see eye-to-eye, so they make me feel like I am living a distorted truth

A lie

But no one sees me cry

No one sees my pain

All the hurt I’ve experienced yet remains

It’s there, always there

Even when I try to hide it from myself

Sheeeit, I’ve been fighting for a long time to see the story change

But how can it when I continue retelling it

Nothing will cease to exist without my permission to resist its extinction

I keep it alive with my thoughts

I allowed the job injury to define me

Let it constrain me and hold me hostage

Let it speak to who I was, not what had happened to me

Yes, it was a part of my story, a part of me I can still feel

All the doctor visits, injections, and pills

Parts of my history in which I cannot erase

Straight, no chaser I drowned my sorrows with trouble borrowed from tomorrow

The depression from the harassment, the stalking, false accusations, and the defamation of character Aspects of the past I can no longer chase my future with

It is what it is, it was what it was

But underneath all of that, I am who am I

I am a dreamer, a believer, a doer

Yet so many times my dreams have been shattered, my belief questioned, my actions squandered

Maybe it was timing

Maybe it just wasn’t the right time

Will I ever know

In the meantime, I want to feel something different

So why do I feel what I feel when I know God is real

He created me fearfully and wonderfully

He made me in His image

He created the world in six days and rested on the 7th

Yet I often feel like I am so far from Heaven

So far from being who my spirit sees

So I swallow two more tablespoons of unhappy

And continue to tell myself that heaven on earth feels like hell

But you still don’t see

Because my smile shows teeth bleached by insecurity

But you still don’t see

The demons I fight every night I lay my head down to sleep

Because I awake every morning with the confidence of new grace

New mercy

But you still don’t see

Because that fresh grace is clouded by a growing lack of faith

A faith that’s been shattered by unfulfilled promises, broken dreams, and delusional alliances

Joining teams with the enemy

The one who promised to give me the world if I would forgo my hope

In the Everlasting Truth

Truth that I was created in the image of Christ

And I could live my life here on earth for a price already paid when Christ died on the Cross

A price ingrained when He rose after three days

He paved the way for me to live happily…ever after

And until eternity, I can see “His will on earth as it is in heaven”

He has given me this day, not tomorrow but today

Every day His love for me sustains me

But I still don’t see

Because my vision is distorted by the images of the me I see

Smiling on the outside when I’m confused, frustrated, and mad as hell on the inside

My faith tells me to hold on just a little while longer

Because everything that I’ve hoped for won’t always be what I long for

Soon it will manifest and my soul will be in alignment with what my spirit says about me, who it sees me to be

My soul and my spirit will see eye-to-eye

And what is seen on the inside will be seen on the outside

You will see

I will see

My life will resound in harmony

Because I believe

© 2017 Julia Blues

2 thoughts on “Poetexts: Innervision

  1. Wow, what a great poem Julia! You have such a way with words. Don’t ever stop writing. Your words are a gift to the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your words, Barbara. I will make sure to never stop writing. 😊

      Like

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